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November 6, 2005
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Communication IV
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Pastor Brian Shimer
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"The Heart of Communication"
Ephesians 4: 1-32
- In these few weeks we have looked at communication which is one means of keeping the unity through the bond of peace. To communicate is to follow Jesus, it is to live out of the new life within us where we are created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.
From that new life within we speak truth, we speak but don't let the emotions lead, we speak but don't destroy with our words, for we speak as people who know something that is so foundational to our lives that we cannot live nor communicate well without it.
That's what we arrive at today, with the heart of communication.
We find this in verse 32: "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."
At its heart communication begins with forgiveness, both ours of other people around us, and our experience of God's forgiveness of us. If we are going to be a people who keep the unity, who are humble, gentle, and patient with one another, then we must be a people who have received God's forgiving love. For at the heart of communication are our own hearts and we know how deceptive the heart can be. Therefore to communicate well it helps to bear in mind we too have been forgiven in order to be forgiving of others.
It is all too easy to let "thoughts" against another person pile up. It is as if we keep our own little collection of black-chip stamps. We stick them into our little reward books with grievances we do not want to face and hold them for the day we can cash them in.
This practice is so subtle we can miss the fact we have done it. It is easy to harbor little secret thoughts against someone, and use this secret knowledge as a weapon against them.
It is like seeing someone through dark glasses. Always dwelling on whatever that list of negatives is. Whatever they say, must be filtered through the beliefs our heart carries. Hence, to communicate we must remember the fact God forgave us and we are to go on forgiving.
- I don't do that, Brian. You don't. Well, that's possible. There are a few people who wear different glasses. They are bright, and colorful and see everyone in a positive light. But these people are few and far between. Mostly, we have negative impressions that we seek to confirm with what we observe people doing.
Judas did this. He believed Jesus was to be the kind of Messiah he expected. He believed that Jesus was just waiting for the chance to reveal himself as king. He did not hear what Jesus was teaching, he did not absorb how in error his view was, but instead, amassed evidence that Jesus was just waiting for the right opportunity to show himself. He decided to turn Jesus in it appears, because he believed if betrayed then Jesus would stand up and become the king Judas wanted. He was wearing his own set of glasses with clouded lenses and refused to see who Jesus really was.
This very idea can be called "selective perception" which simply states that there are too many impulses coming at us all the time, so we selectively perceive some things and omit others. For example currently you are not aware of everything, such as how your foot feels as it rests on the floor. That is you were not aware of that until I said it, but now you feel your foot in your shoe and how it feels on the floor. You were selectively not perceiving that sensation. We would go crazy if we were aware of everything.
How this affects communication is simple. We develop a belief about someone, and then we relate to them as if what we perceive is true. We filter out anything that might be able to prove us wrong and only filter in what will support our beliefs.
It is like we are wearing a set of glasses and can only see people in that manner.
I was in a situation recently and overheard someone caustically talking about someone else present but out of earshot. It was the second time I had heard this person say something negative about this other person. I wondered if the speaker was caught in this issue. If she had begun to see the other person through one set of glasses and was treating her as if what she perceived was true.
So at another opportunity I approached the speaker and asked her about it. I used what I preached a few weeks ago about bringing up a delicate issue and was heard. She saw the set of glasses she had been wearing and also knew why she had put them on. I encouraged her to forgive.
- It is so easy to be caught in such a situation. We can have a hurt happen and hold onto it, nurse it, feed it with everything we see that supports our conclusion and in the end become hardened toward the other person.
Our verse says to be "kind and compassionate" to one another. Only a forgiving heart can be so motivated.
Often when someone tells us: "You are seeing him or her in the wrong light. We tend to not believe it. We have amassed all the evidence to support our cause.
We have hardened ourselves toward any other possibility.
Do you have someone toward whom you are bitter about something? Have you held over their head their "crime" without dealing with it?
Often in the Body of Christ we have some petty little concerns. We are poked by someone's quill and hold onto the injury. We can build up an attitude in our hearts, and make it grow. When it all may have started with what is really a perceived slight.
The Bible teaches us to forgive as part of the new person we have become in Jesus. We are to release from judgment, take action in their life. As I did with this friend I heard bad mouthing someone else, I went to them, in order that I did not in turn develop a bad attitude toward them, or fear that I might also fall onto their blacklist and be seen only through their set of lenses.
- Who do you need to release from your judgment? Who are you viewing through dark glasses? With whom are you amassing evidence in order to support your case against them?
It is time to forgive, to take off the glasses, to release them from captivity in your heart, to somehow connect to the true person and see life from their perspective.
Often this action of forgiveness is not even something you need to communicate to the other person. If they have not been aware of your grumpy attitude, perhaps you just need to forgive them and release them and then reach out in relationship. Ask God to give you perspective into their heart.
When the person I told you about told me what had happened with this person she had become embittered toward, I understood why she had held onto the harsh judgment. It did not justify her actions, but I did understand and could see how right I was to have brought it up.
Recently I had someone come and tell me that he had been upset with me for a number of years and came to ask my forgiveness. This was an unusual thing. However, his action of coming was the Holy Spirit's way of really finalizing his forgiveness. He said he had decided years ago that I was a fake; no one could have the joy I manifest, (he has never checked in on me in my down times) so he put on dark glasses toward me and carried a negative attitude against me for years. Everything I said or did over those years he filtered through his perception.
But when participating with me in the recent Walk to Emmaus retreat he had come to know me and seen that I was the same inside as outside and was grieved for having held onto his negative attitude so long. In other words, the holy spirit convicted this brother of sin so he came and reconciled with me.
- Did you hear Paul's warning that such attitudes as he warns us against which belong to our old way of living grieve the Holy Spirit of God with whom we are sealed for the day of redemption?. Did you catch that? It is a little verse sitting there between our use of words and our use of emotions and yet so potent saying, don't live in this manner for it grieves God!
I never want to grieve the Holy Spirit. I love the Holy Spirit, I love the Son, I love the Father, and would never want to hurt the heart of God. So, I hear these warnings with a new sensitivity. I want to so know God's forgiveness of me that I can release others freely from my harsh judgments.
It grieves the Holy Spirit when I harm someone with words.
It grieves the Holy Spirit when I harbor anger and hate in my heart and spew it forth.
It grieves the Holy Spirit when I refuse to forgive.
Communication at its heart is forgiveness; it comes from a heart that knows God has forgiven, once for all sin, and which can also release others.
It is a heart that has dealt with its BBQ for those of you here a few weeks back.
It is a heart the refuses to harbor all the little slights that come our way. It is a heart that gives others the benefit of the doubt.
We can be so little-minded in such an instant. Well, I know I can be. For Karen and I the biggest stuff we have dealt with has been the littlest stuff. Like the $4.59 bottle of Teriaki sauce.
She asked me to pick it up on the way back through town. They carry it at Jim's, it is on the top shelf.
So I stopped there. I wondered, "Does she realize in buying this we are paying $3 more than we need to pay?"
I struggled with that $3. It seemed like a hundred to me at the point. I reached up onto the top shelf - you know that the most expensive items are up high above the normal eye level of the shopper. I got the bottle. I almost got a cheaper variety, but got it and thought, "I'll have to talk to her when I get home."
What am I doing? I am thinking that she has not put thought into her request. I am holding onto an opinion that if she bought something less expensive, our money would not be as tight. And I am thinking, I have the better way.
I got into the car and began to pull out of the parking lot when God spoke. It was one of those very clear moments of knowing this is God. God said with a strength and jolted me: "Don't you say a word."
I was a bit miffed. "But God," I began to argue, reminding God how much I knew about our finances, about controlling spending, etc. Again I heard "Don't you say a word." And in a flash I was given God's perspective on my wonderful wife, her work situation at that point in our lives, working two jobs, homeschooling and seeking to be my wife as well. She had her hands full. "Can't you at least show her the support and the belief in her ability to make decisions to honor her by just buying what she requested without a fight?"
- It was a couple years later that God showed me that it is a means of blessing her - to bring home a little something that says, "I thought of you while at Winco, or Jim's." Sometimes I may bring flowers, but often I bring anything else as "flowers" even a 4.59 bottle of Teriaki and she receives it as if from a heart of gold.
Communication is often about perspective. It is about broadening our perception of another person. It is about giving another the benefit of the doubt and loving them with actions. Perhaps it may mean giving a hug when you are feeling grumpy toward someone. That action of love can dissolver negative thoughts. Perhaps it may mean an extended time of prayer, listening for God's perspective and God's love.
Whatever it takes, it is worth it. We are called into communication, into hearing and being heard, into forgiving and being forgiven, by the God who has transformed us by the life and death of Jesus Christ. We are called to communicate for God communicates and we are made to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. So, forgive as you have been forgiven and learn to take off the glasses of judgment and communicate from a heart filled with blessing.
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